First Issue of Exploration
-- A bit of indelible memory (2)
-- by Liu Jingsheng
The first time in my life that I made an important decision, I chose
Wei Jingsheng, I chose Wei Jingsheng＇s thinking, I chose a path I did
not yet understand well, democracy.
Ever since I can remember, the education we received
explained "democracy" like this: first, "democracy" has classes, the
proletariat can enjoy democracy, other classes have no right to enjoy
it; second, "democracy" is a means, its goal is to bring people
together, "democracy" is unable to decide anything, decision-making-
power rests in the hands of the ruler; third, "democracy" should not
cross the bottom line, you can not question the leader＇s thinking, you
can not question the Chinese Communist Party, you can not question the
socialist system, you can not question the government. This was the
basic definition of "democracy" before 1978, after decades of having
been instilled with this definition it was already unalterable. It
came to frame the thinking and common understanding of the majority and
prevented free thought from coming forth.
Although at the time I began to doubt the truth of this "democracy", I
was limited by my lack of knowledge, limited by being on my own and not
strong, I did not have enough courage or knowledge, to challenge
the "democratic centralism" imposed on us for so many years. My
encounter with Wei Jingsheng not only resolved my problem of courage,
he also revealed a totally new concept of democracy. He told me,
democracy is the inevitable choice of the majority. He said: the
democracy we advocate is different from the conventional "democracy of
the classes", rather it is a classless democracy, democracy of a
political system, it is the democracy build on the foundation of full
guarantee of individual rights (including rights of free speech, and
free conduct). He said a lot more, some I understood, some I was not
sure, but he brought me a wonderful future. This future made me long
for: liberty under which I would live, sincerity and equality among
people, and for a prosperous China full of love and justice.
Envisioning a happy future was the most effective motive, this motive
made me temporarily forget the danger -- forget that I was not actually
suited for this sort "great" and "lofty" undertaking. If at the
time "rationality" dominated me, I would probably have given up.
Fortunately, rationality has its limitation. I thirsted for freedom
too much, I thirsted to be released from the long-time restraints and
heavy burden, I thirsted too much to thoroughly be myself. Correct, or
incorrect, I yielded to my heart＇s call and my free will and let things
take their own course.
Wei Jingsheng and I didn＇t get to know and understand each other a
whole lot better, when communicating we would get to the topic
straightaway, we began the matters of preparing to publish Exploration
("Tansuo" is its Chinese name). People nowadays are very cautious, if
they do not come to know one another over a long period of
communication and understanding, it seems that they do not have enough
mutual trust to do anything together. Looking at this from the side:
progress over the years has not improved the crisis of mutual trust, on
the contrary it has worsened. China＇s current reality confirms this
standpoint.
The second time I met Wei Jingsheng was at his girlfriend＇s home. His
girlfriend＇s name was Ping Ni; her home was on the north side of the
Friendship Hotel. Attending the meeting were Wei Jingsheng, Lu Lin,
Yang Guang, myself; Ping Ni was also present. Because we already had a
common understanding about the magazine, we only needed to discuss the
details of operation, so the second time we met we did not discuss too
much about our viewpoints and ideas, Wei Jingsheng spoke directly about
the specific matters of putting together the magazine. First we
discussed the title of the magazine to see if anybody had any good
ideas. I said how about "Daybreak," (at the time I was pretty
vulgar, "daybreak" was to communicate the message: the government
represents darkness, we represent light, light will overtake the
darkness, and light will soon arrive.) Wei Jingsheng pondered it for a
moment, swaying his head. Then he proposed: "how about Exploration?"
I was thinking, "it has no shock-value, such a mild and modest title,
how will we attract readers?" It seemed the author of this suggestion
and the author of the published essay was two different people. Wei
Jingsheng seemed to perceive what I was feeling and
explained: "Exploration is to say, our perspective is not necessarily
correct, everyone can join in the discussion, and look for a plan for
the country that can bring happiness and fairness."
Of course, I believed I was correct, but this was a magazine, it ought
to tolerate different views existing together, we only got rid of those
people and perspectives that did not give us free speech. Wei
Jingsheng＇s explanation did not dispel my displeasure, at the time I
even thought: you chose the title long ago and are not willing to
change it, why bother to solicit our opinions? But as I grew more
mature, I came to applaud this choice of "Exploration," exploration
implied: equality, forgiveness and tolerance, pursuit, and rationality,
all of these happened to be exactly the foundation of democracy. Yang
Guang and Lu Lin had no objection, although I was not happy, yet I
didn＇t oppose, so we moved on.
The next thing we discussed was the content of the forward. In a
serious tone Wei Jingsheng stressed: the only rule we will observe is
the constitutional guarantee that "the people have freedom of the
press, speech and assembly." We would not disguise ourselves in a
cloak of being not anti-Mao ZeDong, not anti-Communist Party, not anti-
socialism, not anti-government; we would show our clear stand and
state: this magazine is the spokesperson of the common people. When
he explained this he immediately dispelled the displeasure in my heart,
I raised both hands in approval saying: "Honestly, if we too made "not-
anti" the magazine＇s forward like the others, I would not take part,
not because I personally have some ability, only because our wills
would be different, people of different paths need not associate." Lu
Lin also supported Wei Jingsheng, but Yang Guang opposed. He opposed
it because: "The people＇s thinking follows certain set patterns, these
conventions are not something you can break in a short time. If we
rashly abandon these conventional patterns it will be hard to gain wide
acceptance, furthermore we ourselves will face difficulties and
danger. It is hard for me myself to break out of my conventional
thinking patterns, fundamentally I believe: Marxism is still the
truth." Yang Guang was intense and persistent in his opposition; he
was not prepared to compromise that day. Lu lin and I advocated that
we exclude Yang Guang from Exploration, Wei Jingsheng
said: "Absolutely not, I have chatted with him, he is a thinker and
full of ideas, he is upright and brave, it is only that he hasn＇t
thought deep enough on some matters, this takes time. I will
communicate with him, for now we will publish based on what we agreed
on."
With three in support and one opposed we moved on from the matter of
the forward. Yang Guang did not agree with the content of the forward,
yet he did not indicate that he would quit Exploration. Events later
on proved Wei Jingsheng was right, he kept Yang Guang on, and even
ultimately changed Yang Guang＇s moderate thinking. That was a dazed
time, a drowsy time, a dispirited time, it was a time that called out
for a hero, that kind of a special time needed truth, it needed
summoning, it needed sunlight, it needed courage! Even the government
was considering "profound changes," could it be possible that we
should "moderately" follow in the footsteps of the government? The
controversy sparked by the magazine＇s forward died out quickly, in
future matters there was no dissent: the magazine was a political
commentary magazine, it came out once a month. The content of the
first issue was mainly made up of two parts: one, the forward, which
Wei Jingsheng composed, two, two of Wei Jingsheng＇s articles: The
Fifth Modernization -- Democracy and More, and The Fifth Modernization -
- Democracy and More (continued). When it was published we added a few
other essays, but I do not recall what they were. Wei Jingsheng would
find someone to carve the blocks for printing, the paper we would
obtain through two channels: 1) each think of our own way to find
paper, 2) all put our money together to buy some paper. The magazine
would not be distributed for free, for the benefit of long-term
development we needed to cover production costs, set at 0.5 RMB Yuan
for each magazine. If foreigners bought the magazine, the price might
be appropriated raised. Wei Jingsheng put up the money to cover the
expenses of starting up.
In 1979 we used a manually operated mimeograph, in 1992 we used a
copier, in 2006 I got a computer. The convenience and speed of
computers amazed me, however, without a reason, I do not feel that
excitement, selflessness, and elation, as I had back then.
We let Wei Jingsheng take care of all the preparations, writing the
forward, resolving the problems of the mimeograph, ink, paper, stencil
paper, colored ink, cut blocks for printing, and cut block carver. At
the time material wealth was not as plentiful as it is today, in
addition there were many restricting conditions, making things indeed
very difficult. I later found out that Wei Jingsheng borrowed the
mimeograph from his friend＇s work unit and never returned it. We gave
so many tasks to Wei Jingsheng to do himself; in my heart I honestly
felt sorry, I thought, I want to contribute whatever I can within my
power. I worked at public bus company and I had many friends, among
them I had one who worked at Beijing Teacher＇s College＇s print works.
We regularly exchanged our ideas and agreed on many matters. I found
him to ask for some paper, he readily promised saying: "I don＇t dare
go to Democracy Wall with you, nor do I dare steal state-owned
supplies." He promised quite a bit of paper, two reams (note by the
editor: should be in A0 size); saying, "One person can not carry this
much, you will need a car." I found a car, a Jeep212, a county cadre＇s
sort of car, it was not mine, nor did it belong to my work unit. It
was parked at the Xidan Market entrance. I did not know whose it was,
it was the middle of the day; I just drove it off. The courts call
this "stealing," furthermore it was pretty bold, it was not as if no
one was around when I stole it, nor was it at night when I stole it,
rather I stole it in the middle of the day from a very busy and noisy
area. I had always thought I didn＇t have much nerve, it was genetic,
and neither of my parents was bold. But when I was driving someone
else＇s car I felt extraordinarily clear and calm, just like driving my
own car. I watched the owner park the car and enter the market, after
he entered the market I leisurely lit up a cigarette, put on a greasy
pair of gloves that I often wore at work, opened the car door, sat in
the driver＇s seat, figured out how to start the ignition -- it needed
no more than two minutes. I was certain that no one who would go for a
stroll in that market would come back out in less than two minutes.
Some people later explained to me it was the passion for "revolution"
that gave me courage; at this I would laugh, I trusted my own judgment
that is it.
Perhaps, I ought to have been a thief, rather than to "revolt," as a
thief I was clever, my judgment exact, but starting a revolution I just
appeared childish and naive, like I was a different person, this is
something I never understood. My friend at the print works and I
agreed to meet at 11:00pm, however I stole the car at two o＇clock in
the afternoon. So I made a trip to Ping Ni＇s home to inform: very late
I would bring by some paper, do not go to sleep too early. Then, I
went to a friend＇s home to chat. While I was there my friend mentioned
a blind fortuneteller whom he suggested I visit. I decided to go, but
it was only to kill the time. I never would have thought the
fortuneteller would tell me two things that shocked me: first, that
tonight I had some important matter, there is no danger, yet I would
not be successful. I asked him what matter, he responded: no idea.
Second, he said I recently was involved in some affairs, and it has
some danger, according to him, I am on the fate of perverse recently
until March 15th of next year (of Western calendar). He again reminded
me to be careful, but that I need not pay too much attention,
saying: "There will be holy man secretly protecting you."
I had decided to go to my friend＇s home on the fly, and later at his
home decided to see the fortuneteller, the fortuneteller only asked me
my birth date and corresponding characters, he had not asked for
others, how did he know I had something going on tonight? How did he
know that I was facing danger? I was a materialist, I had never had my
fortune told, this was the first time, and the last time. (After coming
out of prison the first person I wanted to see was he, but in barely
half year＇s time he left forever the human world) But, this time the
misfortune that he spoke of was: stealing the car today was not
dangerous, but I would not manage to obtain the paper; on March 15th of
1979 I entered a detention center, I was only held for half a year. I
arrived at the print shop at the agreed time, but I could find no one.
After waiting an hour I had no choice but to leave. I never saw that
friend again, I understood that he was afraid, but I did not understand
why he did not just tell me directly, why after this we could not even
be friends? Fortunately, Wei Jingsheng was not counting on me to come
up with the paper; he spent money and purchased some.
There are many blanks in my memory, in order to recall events as
accurately as possible I won＇t attempt to make this piece complete by
filling in the blanks. What I can remember is: First Issue
of "Exploration" came out in the beginning of January of 1979. We
finished printing the first issue at Ping Ni＇s house. Wei Jingsheng,
Lu Lin and I all worked the whole night. We were not very
professional; the ink was not printed evenly, wasting a lot of precious
paper, the quality of the printing was not uniform. We printed three
hundred sets and bound them with a very simple method. The title page
of "Exploration" was written in cursive, printed on in red ink with a
wood seal stamp. Wei Jingsheng provided the stamp, I don＇t know if he
carved it himself.
During the day I worked my job, at night I worked on the revolution.
After a whole night of printing, I was not even a bit tired. We were
all so excited, so energized, smiles shone on our faces. To see our
masterpiece, to see our aspirations expressed on paper, our first
thought was: to share it as soon as possible with as many people as
were interested, to share the cheer and delight that freedom gives, to
share our passion for ideals. We decided that after work we would
gather at Ping Ni＇s to go to Xidan Democracy Wall and Tiananmen to sell
the magazine. Four people sat in the car that I had stolen, except for
me; no one knew I had stolen the car. Obviously these people were not
bright, or they were too decent and did not have the slightest bit of
skepticism or suspicion. They simply never considered: how does a
lowly ranked bus driver to get a luxury sedan? Even if I could get
one, wasn＇t I afraid to put the one who provide the vehicle in danger?
This did not fit logic. Perhaps they were even smarter than I: better
not to know. Selling the magazines went very smoothly, in less than an
hour, our hands were empty. The most frequent question by those who
bought it was: "Is Jin Sheng involved in Exploration? Did you copy
the articles in Exploration?" This was the same question, we responded:
Jin Sheng produces Exploration Magazine. "Who is Jin Sheng? We would
like to meet him." At this, we cautiously and politely declined. On
the way home, we had a little trouble with the car; the electronic
circuit was not right and it would not run. I could not figure it out
so we went to a work unit＇s driving team to find a mechanic for help.
It was a small problem that the mechanic fixed in a jiffy; I was about
to express my gratitude when I met his fixed gaze. He asked, "Is the
car yours?" I answered, "No, it＇s borrowed, what is it?" He
responded: "Even such a small problem you can＇t fix. It isn＇t stolen,
is it?" At that time people＇s "class struggle" mentality was quite
strong and everyone was vigilant. When speaking, his gaze did not
stray from my face and even frequently used his peripheral vision
scanning over Wei Jingsheng, Lu Lin and Yang Guang at my side. I was
composed, and the people at my side knew nothing, on top of that was
Yang Guang＇s studious look, the mechanic was actually somewhat
convinced. As I sincerely thanked him, he left with a little
hesitation. Watching his back as he walked away my heartbeat sped up,
fortunately it came late, otherwise I would have had no way to calmly
answer him without batting an eyelid.
There was a great response to the first issue, which was very
gratifying for us, but Wei Jingsheng felt there were a few
imperfections: first, there were too few copies, second, there were too
few articles by other people. There were too few copies because we
were short paper; he hoped everyone could think of a way to resolve the
problem. There were too few articles because of time restraints.
Exploration was put together somewhat hastily, now we had a month＇s
time, he wanted everyone to write some articles. Wei Jingsheng＇s two
requests made me feel ashamed. First, I never fulfilled my promise to
provide paper and I could not think of another way to get paper.
Second, I had written a diary, I had written letters home, I had
written love letters, I had written self-examinations, but I had never
written essays, nor did I understand what was considered an essay. I
thought: essays are certainly different from what I have written, and
this difference definitely isn＇t only in its formality. I write things
as I please, can you call that an essay? I sighed, at the time I just
did not have the self-confidence, I did not even dare to try writing an
article. Wei Jingsheng did not force me. He would encourage me,
saying to others: "Maybe Xiao Liu is not as good as others at writing,
but he is enthusiastic and very devoted. He has really applied himself
and helped in a lot of matters." These words were not pleasing, rather
they were solid, and it has always been this way for me. Of course, I
pondered: "Oh, Old Wei, you are cunning, offending no one, you bring
people＇s potential into action."
I never imagined the Wei Jingsheng who founded Exploration would later
become world famous; nor did I imagine that Exploration would leave its
mark in history＇s long record. Four average people who can never be
average again -- relying on hot blood, a share of passion, and a
belief, selflessly without fear to carry a burden that perhaps they
should not have had to bear. History will not question their motives,
during those special years, faith was held together by innocence and
courage.
(Note by the editor: Written on March 27, 2007. Originally published
by Democratic China, with minor corrections of the original Chinese
version by Ciping HUANG. The Wei Jingsheng Foundation is responsible
for this version of the English translation and related details.)
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